Fabergé (2012)

“Hello, and welcome to Fabergé, a 12-part lecture series on power and influence. I’m your host, Professor Left, here to educate and enlighten you on the subjects. Just like any other homogenized automaton, your name is not important, so please accept the title of ‘Punk Rock Protégé’ as a term of endearment.”

“Let’s begin, shall we? This first one’s in E flat. Learn the (changes).”

1) CREATIONISM

I’M AT THE (Eb) RACETRACK BARKING AT (Ab) DOGS AS I WONDER WHAT THE (C) SKY LOOKS LIKE RIGHT (Bb) BEFORE IT FALLS. DOES THE (Eb) AIR SIT HEAVIER (Ab) ANYWHERE? DOES ANYONE (Bb) CARE THAT IT’S FALLING AT ALL? I’M LIKE A (Eb) PLACE MAT TAKING UP (Ab) SPACE IN BETWEEN THE (C) MOUTHS THAT WE FEED AND THE (Bb) STAINS WE CREATE. ARE THE (Eb) NAPKINS A WASTE AS (Ab) FOLDED PAPER CRANES? IS (Bb) ALL ART CREATED IN VAIN?

I’M AT THE (Eb) COLISEUM COMBATTING (Ab) COBRAS, TIGERS AND (C) LIONS AND (Bb) OVEREXPOSURE. I’M IN A (Eb) HOUSE OF MIRRORS STARING INTO (Ab) INFINITE SPACE WITH (C) INFINITE TIME FOR (Bb) INFINITE WASTE. I’M IN A (Eb) MOOD THAT COULD USE SOME (Ab) IMPROVEMENT, IN A ROUGH (C) SPOT BUT REFUSING TO (Bb) LOSE IT, A (Eb) GLASS HOUSE SMASHED EVERY (Ab) TIME I PEER THROUGH IT, (Bb) RUINING ALL I’VE BEEN DOING.

I WANT TO (Eb) MAKE SOMETHING MOVE. I WANT TO (Ab) MAKE SOMETHING MATTER. I WANT TO (Eb) WATCH THE WORTH OF (Ab) WORK IMPROVE WHILE I (C) MAKE A CAREER OUT OF (Bb) WIRE AND PLASTER. I (Eb) WANT TO MAKE RULES, WANT TO (Ab) MAKE FOOLS WANT TO MAKE (C) MOVES TO IMPROVE THEIR (Bb) OWN IQ’S. I (Eb) WANT (Ab) TO (Eb) CREATE.

I WENT TO THE (Eb) RESERVOIR TO DRINK UP ALL THE (G) CHEMICALS, CHAT WITH ALL THE (F) SCIENTISTS, CHEERS THE (Bb) EVANGELICALS. I STOPPED BY THE (C) GRAVEYARD TO DIG UP ALL THE (F) HEADSTONES, CARVE UP ALL THE (Bb) TREE ROOTS, EAT UP ALL THE (Ab) SKELETONS. I WENT TO A (Eb) COUNSELOR TO STRAIGHTEN OUT MY (G) CROOKEDNESS, FIGURE OUT WHAT (F) I HAD LOST, FIND OUT HOW TO (Ab) LOOK FOR IT. I GOT LOTS OF (Eb) GOOD ADVICE, NOT SURE IF I WAS (Ab) LISTENING. I WAS (Bb) MORE CONCERNED WITH MY MISSION.

NOW I (Eb) CAN’T EXPLAIN WHAT’S (Ab) HAPPENING, THE (C) DIFFERENCE, OR (Ab) DISJUNCTURE (Bb) BETWEEN MY (Eb) ACTION, MY (Ab) INTENTION, MY (C) LOCATION, MY (Bb) DIRECTION. IT’S (Eb) INVERSION, IT’S (Ab) DIMENSION, IT’S (C) CREATION, IT’S (Bb) INCEPTION.

AND I (Eb) HOPE I MAKE SOMETHING (Ab) MOVE. I (C) HOPE I MAKE SOMETHING (Bb) MATTER. I HOPE TO (Eb) WATCH THE WORTH OF (Ab) WORK IMPROVE WHILE I (C) MAKE A CAREER OF (Bb) OBVERTING DISASTER. I (Eb) HOPE TO BREAK RULES, HOPE TO (Ab) MAKE FOOLS HOPE TO MAKE (C) MOVES TO IMPROVE THE (Bb) LIVES WE CHOOSE. I (Eb) HOPE TO MAKE (Ab) EUTOPIC STATES TO (Bb) REPLACE WHAT I HATE.

I WENT TO THE (Bb) RESERVOIR, DRANK UP ALL THE (Eb) CHEMICALS, CHATTED WITH THE (G) SCIENTISTS, CHEERSED THE (F) EVANGELICALS. I STOPPED BY THE (Bb) GRAVEYARD TO DIG UP ALL THE (Eb) HEADSTONES, CARVE UP ALL THE (G) TREE ROOTS, EAT UP ALL THE (F) SKELETONS.

I WENT TO THE (Eb) RESERVOIR DRANK UP ALL THE (Ab) CHEMICALS, CHATTED WITH THE (C) SCIENTISTS, CHEERSED THE (Bb) EVANGELICALS. NOW I’M AT THE (Eb) GRAVEYARD LIVING UNDER (Ab) HEADSTONES, THINKING ABOUT THE (C) TREE ROOTS, WONDERING (Bb) WHAT I SHOULD HAVE (Eb) KNOWN.

Professor Left: “The artist exists in between validity and wealth and neither feeds nor corrupts but is always at risk of being cast aside. Art in every form is an extremely valuable byproduct of human existence that requires a lifetime of sacrifice in order to create. Existing on the fringe of society – and right in the center of it simultaneously – provides for an all-encompassing view that very few can see and understand.”

P. R. Protégé: “So what then is my best bet for triggering a movement?”

Professor Left: “Be convivial among friends and foes alike, but always roll with weighted dice.”

2) ELYSIUM, LA

(B) WIDE AWAKE WANDERING (E) SLEEPLESS SCAPES, I’VE TRIED (F#) FAILING, FAILED (E) TRYING ATTEMPTS TO (B) APPRECIATE, REVERED YOU (B) HEROIC, SURRENDERED YOU (E) STOIC, VIRTUOUSLY (F#) PARADING YOUR (E) STREETS AND SPILLING YOUR (F#) DRINKS IN THE PHOTO (B) BOOTHS.

I’M SO (B) SORRY, MY LOVE. YOU’RE (E) REMARKABLY HOSPITABLE (F#). YOU’RE HEART (B) RACES ETERNALLY (E) TOWARDS ME, BUT I’VE BEEN A (F#) FOOL MORE THAN ONCE FOR YOU. NERVOUS (B) TICKS BECOME TELLING, AND I’M (E) NERVOUSLY READING YOU (F#) READING ME, AND I DON’T (B) READ THAT WELL, YOU (E) SEE, BUT I’M GETTING (F#) BETTER.

(B) REVISABLE SCRAWLINGS WITH (E) MALLEABLE VALUES OF (F#) TRUTH, BEGGING (B) ON BEHALF OF THE (E) HOSTS THAT YOU’RE HOSTING, SO (F#) PUPPY-EYED, PITIFUL. FIELDS (B) SINGING IN BREEZES, BRASS (E) ECHOING INTO THE (F#) SEA, DRUMS (B) BEATING, INCREASING THE (B) PRESSURE BETWEEN (F#) SYSTOLE AND DIASTOLE.

I’M SO (B) SORRY, MY LOVE. YOU’RE A (E) CATERER, SAVIOR AND (F#) SAINT. YOU’RE HEART (B) DANCES AND LEADS ME, (E) BUT I CAN’T KEEP AN (F#) OFFBEAT TIME OR GET LED ASTRAY. (B) LIPS BECOME TELLING, SO I’M (E) CAUTIOUS IN HEARING YOU (F#) HEARING ME, AND I DON’T (B) HEAR THAT WELL, YOU (E) SEE, BUT I’M GETTING (F#) BETTER.

YOU’LL (B) SUFFICE AS A RESTING (E) PLACE, ‘CAUSE THE DEAD HAVE A (F#) REFERENCE TO FRAME. THEY’LL KNOW (B) JUST WHAT I MEAN WHEN I (E) SAY “I’M GETTING (F#) BETTER”.

Professor Left: “Unfortunately, our guest lecturer could not attend today’s session, as he missed his flight home from New Orleans after challenging his dignity to a drinking competition. Please e-mail mike@ihatepunkrock.net for notes regarding this subject.”

P. R. Protégé: “Will this be on the test?”

Professor Left: “Absolutely.”

3) PROFESSORA EMERITOSA

I’M WEAVING A (D) WEB, ORNATE AND (G) ELABORATE, AND I WRAP MY (A) KILLS IN SILK FOR THE (B) COMFORT OF (A) HAVING IT. I’M MAKING A (D) BED IN THE HEART OF THE (G) LABYRINTH, AND I’M TALKING IN (B) SOMEONE (G) ELSE’S (B) SLEEP FOR A FEW WHO (A) MEANDER IT.

I WAKE UP EVERY (D) MORNING WITH THE WEIGHT OF THE (G) WORLD ON MY SHOULDERS JUST TO (B) KEEP COMING HOME WITH THE (G) STENCH OF THE DAY ON (A) MY FEET. I TRY TO REST EVERY (D) NIGHT WITH THE ACHE OF THE (G) WORK IN MY MUSCLES, BUT IT’S (B) ONLY GETTING (G) HARDER TO SLEEP, AND THE (B) ECHOES OF MY OWN (A) THOUGHTS REPEAT.

(D) LET THESE RATS KEEP (G) RUNNING LIKE I (A) NEVER GAVE A FUCK ABOUT ANY OF THEM. (E) FILLING A VOID IS (G) ANNOYING. I’VE GOT SOME (A) BETTER SKILLS I SHOULD BE EMPLOYING. (D) RATS KEEP RUNNING. I DON’T (G) REALLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT (A) ANY OF THEM. (D) TODAY I EXTEND A (G) FAREWELL TO A FRIEND KNOWING (B) JUST WHAT WE’LL DO WHEN I (A) SEE HIM AGAIN.

IT’S NOT (D) EASY CREATING (G) INCENTIVE FOR BETTERMENT (A) WHEN SELF-INTEREST AND NEEDS ARE INCONGRUENT. (D) THE IDEA’S (G) BEAUTIFUL AND BENEVOLENT, (B) SELFLESS EXCEPT FOR THE PAYCHECK AND BENEFITS. (D) I’VE SPURRED TROTS OUT OF (G) PONIES AND DOGS, (B) SPOKEN THEIR LANGUAGE AND FORCED THEM TO TALK, (D) LED THEM TO WATER THROUGH (G) OCEANS OF ROCK, AND I’VE (A) WATCHED THEM IGNORE EVERY DROP.

I’M JUST GONNA (D) LET THESE RATS KEEP (G) RUNNING LIKE I (A) NEVER GAVE A FUCK ABOUT ANY OF THEM. (E) FILLING A VOID IS (G) ANNOYING. I’VE GOT SOME (A) BETTER SKILLS I SHOULD BE EMPLOYING. (D) RATS KEEP RUNNING. I DON’T (G) REALLY GIVE A FUCK ABOUT (A) ANY OF THEM. (D) TODAY I EXTEND A (G) FAREWELL TO A FRIEND KNOWING (B) JUST WHAT WE’LL DO WHEN I (A) SEE HIM AGAIN.

WE’LL BREAK (D) BREAD WITH THE BURIED, THE (G) MOURNFULLY MERRY, (B) ADORNED IN A CLOTHING (A) SUPPOSEDLY WOVEN OF (D) BREAD FOR THE BURIED, THE (G) MOURNFULLY MERRY AND (A) ME.

Professor Left: “My former co-worker Mr. Owen retired from his position at East High School in May of 2009. He ended his farewell address at the end-of-the-year teacher gathering in the library by saying, ‘My career has felt like twenty years of talking in someone else’s sleep.’ That line was met by cheers from an audience of his colleagues who felt similarly. Our most beautiful professions have been reduced to chores forced on us in order to receive a weekly allowance. Our minds are numbed by the monotony, and we sleep through life hoping for something more.”

P. R. Protégé: “So, should I try to fix this for everyone, or should I just take care of Numero Uno?”

Professor Left: “Yes.”

4) HAPPY ACCIDENTS

I WANNA (D) TAKE THIS RIDE SO I CAN CONFIDE IN THE (F#) LONG WALK HOME PAST EVERY (G) LAVISHLY LUMBERING, (B) STYLISHLY STUMBLING, (A) ANIMATRONIC CLONE, AS I’M (D) FRAGILELY FAKING A FORTUNE TO CALL MY (G) OWN, I’LL BE (F#) EXACTLY WHERE I AM EXACTLY (B) WHEN I OUGHT TO BE, AND (A) THERE I’LL STAND ENGAGING (D) OPPORTUNITY.

AND ALL THAT (D) MANIFESTS OF ME IS WHAT IT (F#) IS, AND WHAT IT WILL BE IS (F#) FOREVER, (A) FOREVER TO BE (D) DETERMINED BY THE (F#) VALUE IT HOLDS IN THE (G) TIME AND THE PLACE (B) INDIVIDUALS (A) ENCOUNTER. COULD IT (G) MATTER? (A)

I (D) SUPPOSE I COULD (G) HOLD A GREATER (B) IMPORTANCE FOR (F#) TEMPORARY ASSORTMENTS OF (A) PRAISE AND APPROVAL STILL (G) PENDING (A) REMOVAL, BUT I (D) KNOW THAT IT (G) WON’T (B) RENDER ME ANY (A) CLOSER, NOR WILL IT (D) BRING ANY (F#) CLOSURE TO THE (E) HISTORY I’M (B) LIVING AND THE (G) NEED FOR MORE (A) FORGIVING.

SO I’LL (D) TAKE THIS RIDE SO I CAN CONFIDE IN THE (F#) LONG WALK HOME PAST EVERY (G) LAVISHLY LUMBERING, (B) STYLISHLY STUMBLING, (A) ANIMATRONIC CLONE. AS I’M (D) FRAGILELY FAKING A FORTUNE TO CALL MY (G) OWN, I’LL BE (F#) EXACTLY WHERE I AM EXACTLY (B) WHEN I OUGHT TO BE, AND (A) THERE I’LL STAND ENHANCING (D) MY ABILITIES.

‘CAUSE THERE’S (D) NO SENSE IN BEING ANYTHING SHORT OF (G) FEARLESS, AND THERE’S (B) NO TIME FOR PAYING ANYTHING THAT AIN’T (A) WORTH IT’S WEIGHT IN GOLD, AND THERE’S (A) NO COST FOR EATING, (G) REVENUE STREAM, IT’S A (B) LABOR OF LOVE, A (A) LIMITLESS CEILING. (D) IT’S AN EMBRACE OF (G) MISTAKES AS AN OPEN (A) DOOR.

WE CAN (D) ASCEND THE PRECIPICE. WE CAN (G) TRANSCEND THE SUBSTANCELESS, REMAIN (B) ABSOLUTELY (G) POSITIVE AND STAY (A) POSITIVELY INABSOLUTE WITH NO (D) NEED TO REMEMBER (G) WHY WE’RE HERE AND (B) NONE TO BE (G) ASHAMED OF WHAT WE’RE (A) PROVING. WE CAN HARBOR (D) CONTENTMENT IN LOSING (G) AND STILL WIN FOR THE (B) LOVE OF (G) WHAT WE’RE (A) DOING.

SO LET’S (D) TAKE THIS RIDE SO WE CAN CONFIDE IN THE (F#) LONG WALK HOME PAST EVERY (G) LAVISHLY LUMBERING, (B) STYLISHLY STUMBLING, (A) ANIMATRONIC CLONE. AS WE’RE (D) FRAGILELY FAKING A FORTUNE TO CALL OUR (G) OWN, WE’LL BE (F#) EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE EXACTLY (B) WHEN WE OUGHT TO BE, AND (A) THERE WE’LL STAND ENGAGING (D) OPPORTUNITY.

Professor Left: “The most inspirational people in the world are taking conventional career routes in an unconventional way. In 2012, normal people do not exist, and forcing normalcy is pathetic. Our idiosyncrasies should be celebrated professionally in order to create a productive work force of happy, creative individuals who teach our children, run our warehouses, write our prescriptions, play our songs and keep the world turning.”

P. R. Protégé: “Noted.”

5) BANDAGE FOR A BROKEN ARM

I BELIEVE IN (Am) PEOPLE, AND BY PEOPLE I MEAN ME. I BELIEVE IN THE (E) CHANGE I COULD AFFECT IF POWERFUL PEOPLE WOULD TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. BUT (Am) I HAVE A HARD TIME BELIEVING THAT SOME OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE WHAT THEY SEEM. I BELIEVE THAT THEY’RE (E) MONSTERS, FLAUNTING, GHOSTS THAT ARE HAUNTING, MYTHICAL BEASTS THAT ARE FORMING AN ARMY. (Dm)

AND I BELIEVE IN THE ACCESSIBILITY OF THINGS THAT (Am) SOME HAVE COME TO HOARD OBSESSIVELY. (Dm) AND I BELIEVE IN UPWARD SOCIAL MOBILITY, AND I’M PUTTING THE (Am) FARM DOWN INSURING CATASTROPHE. (C, G)

IF (C) ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND (G) WAR AND WE’VE TAKEN UP ARMS (F) BEFORE, WE’LL BEAR A SCAR FOR EVERY BANDAGE EVER WORN. (C) IF WE’RE LUCKY WE’LL WHEEL AWAY STILL (G) PARALYZED AT WHAT TO SAY, BUT (F) THANKFUL FOR EVERY MARTYR’S MUTINY.

I BELIEVE IN (Am) IDEAS RINGING WITH LOGICAL SOUND AND (E) BLOOD ABOVE EVERY DOOR IN THIS TOWN AND (Am) FEASTING ON UNLEAVENED EUCHARIST WHILE WEAVING A THORNED CROWN. I BELIEVE IN (Am) GEESE HUNG HIGH FOR THE GUTTERSNIPES, (E) PIGS AND PIGEONS AND PARASITES OUT (Am) STOOLING IN KETTLES OF FISH LIKE DENIZEN PIKES.

BUT I AM (Dm) INFORMED THAT THE WHOLE WORLD IS MY COMPETITION, AND I’M (Am) NATURALLY SELECTED TO END IT ALL FOR (Dm) THOSE OF US WHO BLEW OUR TRUST ON INVESTING IN THE IRON’S RUST THAT WE (Am) CARRY TO THE WAR FRONT EVERYDAY. (C, G)

IF (C) ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND (G) WAR AND WE’VE TAKEN UP ARMS (F) BEFORE, WE’LL BEAR A SCAR FOR EVERY BANDAGE EVER WORN. (C) IF WE’RE LUCKY WE’LL WHEEL AWAY STILL (G) PARALYZED AT WHAT TO SAY AND (F) HATEFUL OF EVERY LIAR’S LITURGY.

Professor Left: “We’re going to go ahead and skip the section on redistribution of resources for the sake of the dead horse we’ve been beating for the last 10 years.”

P. R. Protégé: “Is there a take-home message?”

Professor Left: “Either be respectful and learn from your mistakes or start eating your own shit to get used to the taste.”

6) A SHY GUY’S GUIDE TO GENOCIDE

(D) FAIR-WEATHER FREEDOM (E) FIGHTER, I KNOW YOU (C) MEAN NO HARM. YOU’RE NOBODY’S (D) VIOLENT OPPOSITION AT A (E) PEACEFUL PRESENTATION CARRIED (C) OUT ON A PUBLIC LAWN. YOUR (D) WELL-EXPELLED AND (E) WELL-INTENDED (C) MESSAGES ARE QUITE COHERENT, BUT (D) PLAYGROUND (E) POLITICS NEVER GOT YOU VERY (C) FAR.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO (C) TURN THE WHOLE WORLD’S HEAD IN AN INSTANT, (A) PLACE AN ORDER FOR MASS CRUCIFIXION. (F) KEEP YOUR COOL, KEEP YOUR CALM, KEEP YOUR DISTANCE, (G) KEEP THE CONTROL FROM THE HANDS OF THE MISFIT. (C) GO COLLECT ALL THE HEADS THAT ARE TALKING, (A) PERVERTS AND PUNDITS AND PEOPLE THEY’RE MOCKING. (F) GO COLLECT ALL THE LINES THAT THEY’RE WALKING, (G) CHALK THEM TOGETHER IN OUTLINES OF BODIES.

(F) GO ERASE SOMETHING (G) GREAT. GO (C) SHATTER THE PLATES AND THE (A) PLATTERS OF LIVE EVER (D) AFTER. AFTERBIRTH, AFTERLIFE, WON’T (F) MATTER. A CHEAP WAY TO (G) GET THERE, THE ONLY (C) PARAMETER.

I’M IN (C) NO WAY CONDONING (Eb) THIS (D) APPROACH, BUT (C) PASSIVE RESISTANCE IS (Bb) NO WAY TO (C) GO FOR (G) THOSE WHO DON’T KNOW THE (A) IMPACT OF EVERY DAY (G) ACTIONS ON THINGS LIKE YOUR (C) LOCUS OF CONTROL AND (Eb) YOUR (D) HOLD ON WHAT’S (C) LEFT OF LIBERTY, (Bb) LIFE AND (C) PURSUIT OF THAT (G) WHICH EXCITES YOU. (A) SOME OF IT EXCITES ME, (G) TOO.

SO LET’S WALK A (C) TIGHTROPE OVER THE (A) FAULT LINE, MAKE THE VAMPIRES (A) PLAY IN THE (G) SUNSHINE. LET’S CLOSE OUR (C) EYES AND DRIVE, CLOVES HUNG FROM THE (F) MIRROR ON THE PASSENGER SIDE. THERE’S (A) NO TIME, NO BETTER PLACE, NO BETTER (G) ENDEAVOR TO JOINT UNDERTAKE (C) UNITED BY LIVES (F) INTERTWINED WITH A PRICE THEY CAN’T (G) BREAK.

AND WHEN IT’S TIME TO (C) TURN THE WHOLE WORLD’S HEAD IN AN INSTANT, WE’LL (A) PLACE AN ORDER FOR MASS CRUCIFIXION, (F) KEEP OUR COOL, KEEP OUR CALM, KEEP OUR DISTANCE, (G) KEEP CONTROL FROM THE HANDS OF THE MISFIT. (C) WE’LL COLLECT ALL THE HEADS THAT WERE TALKING, (A) PERVERTS AND PUNDITS AND PEOPLE THEY’RE MOCKING. (F) WE’LL COLLECT ALL THE LINES THEY WERE WALKING, (G) CHALK THEM TOGETHER IN OUTLINES OF BODIES.

(F) WE’LL ERASE SOMETHING (G) GREAT. WE’LL (C) SHATTER THE PLATES AND THE (A) PLATTERS OF LIVE EVER (D) AFTER. AFTERBIRTH, AFTERLIFE, WON’T (F) MATTER. A CHEAP WAY TO (G) GET THERE, THE ONLY (C) PARAMETER.

Professor Left: “Sarah Palin holds a special place in my heart. She inspired me at a formidable time in my life and will be invited, with much pomp and fanfare, to be the first participant in my genocide of all those I deem dumb. She empowers the ditzy and dimwitted in a world on the brink of dissolution. Television has become a pulpit of stupidity for pretty faces to disseminate the twistings of a powerful minority that I will happily eliminate in your honor.”

P. R. Protégé: “Now we’re talking. Drink break?”

Intermission

7) ALTER BOYS AND WITCHES

I’M A (Eb) WALKING TALKING WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION, AN (Ab) ATOMIC TRINITY – FATHER, SON AND A ZOMBIE (C) STALKING, A (Eb) STIGMATIC MOTHER FUCKER ON DISPLAY FOR THE WORLD, PICKING (Ab) POCKETS OF GAMBLERS, PLACING BETS ON (C) RACES FOR ARMS IN (G) PLACES WHERE HARM IS (Ab) AWAITING ANYONE WITH (Bb) DISTASTE FOR THE NORM, (Eb) CHASING RUNAWAY (Ab) BABIES, (C) SAVING THEM FROM (Bb) IMMINENT DEATH.

I’M AMONG THE (Eb) RUINS OF A KINGDOM IN (Ab) DESPERATE SEARCH OF A (Bb) PEARL, (Eb) MAKING AN EFFORT (Ab) TO INSTILL A (C) SENSE OF WORTH IN THE (G) WORLD, (Ab) VAPORIZING, (Bb) ENTERPRISING (Eb) ANYTHING I GET MY (Ab) MITTS ON, (C) CHEWING RAGS FOR THE (G) SAKE OF THE SIN I WOULD (Bb) SPIT IF I WASN’T.

SO (Eb) MAKE NO MENTION AND (Ab) PAY NO MIND AS WE (C) SING OURSELVES TO (Ab) SLEEP ANOTHER SANGUINE (Bb) TIME, (Eb) SWIMMING IN (Ab) COLD SWEATS, DREAMING (C) RAPIDLY THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE’S (Bb) EYES. MAY OUR (Eb) FLUIDS FLOW RICH WITH (Ab) EMOTIONAL CONTROL – HEARTS (C) BEATING WITH HUMOR, PUMPING (Bb) ROSES AND GOLD.

(Eb) REMAINING (Ab) UNDISGUSTED, KEEPING OUR (C) SENSES (Bb) ALIVE WITH THE (Eb) HEARING OF WITCHES AND THE (Bb) SIGHT OF BLIND MICE. NOTE (Eb) RASHES ON THEIR CROWNS UNCOMFORTABLY (Ab) ITCHING. (C) HUMAN MASKS REMOVED REVEAL (Bb) REVOLTING APPEARANCES.

Professor Left: “The title of this section is deliberately spelled using an “e” instead of the customary “a”, because altar boys are purposefully brought up in a system they cannot understand in order to squeeze them into a mold. While preaching love and respect for humanity, the ideal of the pauper’s humility is lost on an audience more concerned with social graces than faith. Stealing is okay if it’s from gamblers. Gambling is okay if it’s with peoples’ lives.”

P. R. Protégé: “So how do I determine what’s right or wrong?”

Professor Left: “You can answer all of life’s persistent questions by consulting the divinity within you.”

8) WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?

I (D) HATE THE TASTE OF MY OWN TONGUE. I HATE THE (G) SIGHT OF MY OWN EYES AND THE SOUND OF MY DRUM. I (B) DESPISE ALL THAT I REALIZE IS (A) WHAT I HAVE BECOME. I LOATHE THE (D) ANGER INSIDE OF MY HEART. I LOATHE THE (G) LISTS THAT I MAKE OF PLACES TO START TO (B) TRY TO IMPROVE MY DECORUM AND RAMPARTS (A).

I LOVE TO (D) LEAN ON ANYTHING. I LOVE THE SELF-SERVING (G) SACRIFICE/PHILANTHROPY. I’M A (B) GREAT BIG FAN OF GREGARIOUS GLUTTONY (A). I LOVE THE (D) IMPRESSIONS THAT I MAKE. I LOVE THE (G) ILLUSION OF GIFT AND THE TRIUMPH OF TAKE. AND I (B) LOVE TO HATE THE SUN COMING UP EVERY DAY (A).

BUT (D) ALL OF THE ABHORRENCE IS AS (G) BORING AND DETESTABLE AS (B) ALL THE TIME I WASTE (A) OBLITERATING EFFORTS SENSIBLE. (D) POSITIONS THAT I TAKE ARE NEVER (G) REALLY THAT DEFENSIBLE, BUT I’M (B) BLUE IN THE FACE STAKING CLAIM TO MY PLACE IN THE (A) VESTIBULE.

I HATE THE (D) FLAVOR. I HATE THE (G) BRAND. I HATE THE (D) FLOWER I’M TRYING TO (G) CRUSH IN THE PALM OF MY (A) HAND. I HATE THE (D) SENSATION, AND I HATE THE (G) FEEL. AND I HATE THAT (D) HATE IS THE RATIONALE (G) FOR THIS LOVE AND (A) APPEAL.

BUT (D) ALL OF THE ABHORRENCE IS AS (G) BORING AND DETESTABLE AS (B) ALL THE LOVE I GAVE TO THE (A) VORACIOUS AND DISPENSABLE. AND (D) SINCE I CAN’T APPRECIATE THE (G) SUN AND ALL ITS RAYS, I (B) SUPPOSE I’LL HAVE TO FLOWER IN THE (A) SHADE.

(D) SOMEDAY I WILL LEARN (G) TO IGNORE THE (B) SUN AND ALL OF ITS (A) RAYS. I’LL TAKE IT (B) EASY. I CAN FLOWER IN THE (A) SHADE . I CAN FLOWER IN THE (D) SHADE.

Professor Left: “Evaluate the things you love and hate. Find the root of each feeling, and justify it.”

P. R. Protégé: “Then what?”

Professor Left: “Prove it wrong.”

9) IT GETS BETTER WITH AGE

I’VE BEEN (Fm) APPROACHING EVERY (Bb) SITUATION WITH (Eb) UNNECESSARY LEVELS OF DESPERATION. ALL (Cm) PANICKED AND MANICY, MY (Fm) FAUX-FUNCTIONAL FANTASY HAS ME (Bb) WORKING IN CIRCLES TOWARD (Eb) PEJORATIVE ENDS. SEE I’D (Fm) INTENDED TO EXTEND MYSELF AS (Bb) WELL AS MY STAY, SO I (G) PRETENDED I WOULD SEIZE THE NIGHT AS (Eb) WELL AS THE DAY, AND I WORKED (Fm) HARD AT HARDLY WORKING, BUT I (Bb) HARDLY GOT PAID, SO NOW I’M (Ab) HUSTLING HASTILY AS I’M (Bb) WASTING AWAY.

(Eb) SURPRISE, SURPRISE, SURPRISE. WE’RE (G) EARNING THE CIRCLES (C) AROUND THESE EYES, (Bb) BURNING HOLES, (Ab) SWALLOWING CROW, (Bb) ENTRANCED IN OUR LIVES. (Eb) PROVIDE, PROVIDE, PROVIDE. WE’RE (G) FORGOING THE FRUIT FOR THE (C) FLAVOR OF RHINE, (Bb) WORKING IN CIRCLES AND WAITING IN LINE AS WE’RE (Ab) PASSED BY THE (Bb) TIME.

I’VE BEEN (Fm) SEARCHING FOR MY (Bb) INSPIRATION IN A (Eb) WORLD THAT’S FULL OF UNINSPIRED OBLIGATION. (Cm) INSULTING, INJURIOUS, IT’S A (Fm) SANDWICH FOR SUPPER. IT’S (Bb) INSPIRED ME HERMETICALLY TO (Eb) BE UNDISCOVERED, BECAUSE I’M (Fm) BETTING ON THE DARKEST HORSE THAT’S (Bb) RUNNING THE RACE, AND I’M (G) DEPENDING ON DEFIBRILLATION (Eb) JUST TO KEEP PACE. AND EVERY (Fm) TIME I IMPROVISE ANOTHER (Bb) RODOMONTADE I FIND I’VE (Ab) DOUBLED MY BRASS FOR ONLY (Bb) FIDDLER’S PAY.

SO WHEN IT’S (Fm) TIME FOR MY (Bb) INAUGURATION, MY (Eb) MAUDLIN MAGNILOQUENCE SHOULD MEET YOUR EXPECTATION. THE (Cm) STAGGER AND STUTTER I’LL (Fm) ATTRIBUTE TO AGE, AND ANY (Bb) INSULTS I MUTTER I’LL (Eb) ATTRIBUTE TO RAGE. I COULDN’T (Fm) CAGE OR TRANQUILIZE ALL MY (Bb) INTRINSIC DESIRES, THE (G) OXIDATION OF THE IRONS THAT I (Eb) KEPT IN THE FIRES. AND I’M (Fm) APPRECIATIVE OF THIS (Bb) DEPRECIATION OF MINE, BUT I’M MOST (Ab) THANKFUL FOR THE HOLLOW (Bb) APPLAUSE, THE BED AND THE (Eb) WINE.

Professor Left: “Taking something you love and turning it into a living and lifestyle is the most rewarding and devastating thing you can do. The exhaustion accompanying every pursuit towards that end is a constant reminder of the options you passed by and the long road ahead. The end may or may not justify the means, but the result will be earned and priceless regardless of success or stature.”

P. R. Protégé: “So I can rule the world with self-respect?”

Professor Left: “Only after you’ve quit your day job.”

10) ORPHANS OF LEADERS

HIDE YOUR (Gb) DAUGHTERS. HIDE YOUR (B) WIVES. (Db) ARM YOUR (Gb) HUSBANDS. RUN FOR YOUR (B) LIVES. (Db) NOW’S THE (Gb) TIME THAT WE (E) DEFEND OR (D) UPROOT THE (E) TRIBE. (Gb) CONTROL IS (Db) ENCROACHING. OUR (B) FAMILIES’ (Db) HOPING FOR (Gb) SIGNS (B) LEGIBLY (Db) LADEN WITH (Gb) TRUTH, (B, Db) LEGITIMATELY (Gb) BETWEEN (E) THE (D) DEVIL AND THE (E) DEEP BLUE (Gb) SEA (Db) – THE (B) HORNS OF (Db) DILEMMA.

WE’LL (Gb) PITCH OUR TENTS ON THE HILL AND (Bb) REMAIN THROUGH THE RAIN AND THE SHINE, AND (Eb) WE’LL BELIEVE IN THE PROMISE OF A (Db) MARVELOUS LIFE. AND WE’LL (Gb) CONTINUE STEADFAST TOWARD (Bb) COMPARABLE COMPROMISE. (Db) COMPARABLE COMPROMISE. (B) COMPARABLE COMPROMISE.

(Gb) ALONG THE (B) GOLDEN (Db) ROAD WE (Gb) PAVE OVER THE (B) GOLDEN (Db) WAVES OF (Gb, E) GRAIN, WE’LL (D) DIVIDE UP (E) REMAINING (Gb) RESPONSIBILITIES (Db, B, Db, Gb) AMONG (B) CAPABLE (Db) PERSONS. (Gb) WE WILL (B) ALL WORK (Db) LESS AND LIVE (Gb) BETTER. (E) WE’LL (D) APPROACH PROBLEM (E) SOLVING LIKE (Gb) EGALITARIANS. (Db, B, Db)

(Gb) WE WON’T NEED ANY (Bb) OCCUPATIONS, ONLY PASSIONS. (Eb) WE WON’T REQUIRE ENGAGEMENT OR (Db) HAVE TO SUSTAIN IT. (Gb) HOLD OUR IDLE HANDS IN (Bb) ABEYANCE, KEEP OUR TOOLS IN OUR CHESTS, (Db) AND WE CAN STITCH TOGETHER A (B) SWEATER IN CASE THE COLD NEVER COMES TO (Gb) REST.

Professor Left: “If you were born Kim Jong-un on January 8th, 1983 your life would be different. You would have been born an orphan with more fathers than any young boy needs. Too many dictators and not enough indians helps us paint a glorious picture of cultural solvation. Look at other peoples’ lives and put yours into perspective. Optimistic improvement efforts in our communities will lead toward a connective network of like-minded folks willing to create the world around them.”

P. R. Protégé: “So I should say ‘hi’ to my neighbors?”

Professor Left: “You should get high with your neighbors.”

11) BYZANTINE HORLOGERIE

(D) AESTHETICALLY A RARITY, (G) CHEMICALLY COMPOSED, (D) PRECIOUS WITH IMPERFECTION, TWICE AS (E) EXPOSED (D) AS POWER (B) PARADING IN ITS NEW CLOTHES, UNFIT FOR (G) FAILURE, AS GUILTY (A) AS THE SIN OF OUR (B) INNOCENT CHILDREN, DECLARING (A) WHAT WE SEE AS WHAT IT IS.

(D) IF WE FINALLY FIND OUR WAY THROUGH THE (A) MAZE OF OUR MINDS, IF WE EVER (E) DISCOVER A USE FOR EACH OTHER BEFORE IT’S (G) TOO LATE TO TURN BACK THE TIME, WE’LL (D) ENTOMB OUR EMPERORS IN CASKETS (A) CARVED OF JADE, (E) ENGRAVING IN HISTORY (G) POWER AS (D) FABERGÉ.

(D) TRANSLUCENTLY ABUSIVE, LACKING (G) LUSTER, EXPELLING EXCUSES, (D) ARBITRARY, UNRESTRAINED, (E) AUTOCRATIC (D) AUTHORITY. (B) SYNTHETIC IS A CORNERSTONE (G) FACETED FOR SHOW ALONE, (A) VALUELESS, CUT EN CABOCHON, (B) DESPERATE AS DESPOTS (A) COME.

(C) IF WE EVER DECIDE TO TAKE WHAT WE (G) MAKE OF OUR MINDS AND MAKE IT (D) ACCESSIBLE TO THE REST OF THE WORLD, (F) PROUDLY PRESERVED FOR ALL OF OUR KIND, (C) WE’LL NURTURE OUR FRAGILITY THROUGH (G) EMBRYONIC STATES, (D) REFORMING OUR REPUBLIC, (F) ENLIGHTENING OUR AGE, (D) FACADING FOR POWER THAT’S (F) ONLY A (C) FABERGÉ.

Ali: So, the part here where he talks about devouring a child in the presence of his audience and asks for some lady to kindly volunteer an infant for the occasion is a metaphor for what exactly?

Ship: Well, I’m no semiotician, but I believe the denotata in this case is the cannibalistic perversion of our social support structures and the political ballyhoo aimed at farming our population into a hopeless breed of cognitively overwhelmed ideasthetes. Either that, or it’s a bunch of nonsensical rhetoric simply serving to entertain the orator and keep us all confused.

Ali: Either way, the fact that our ancestors poured centuries of effort into establishing benevolent institutions and making available all things necessary to sustain one’s life just to have it all hijacked by networks of profiteering sociopaths is a real buttfucker.

Ship: The worst part is that older generations are suspended in complacent disbelief of indentured autonomy, and younger generations are being spoon fed the fallacy that their freedom hinges on the perpetuated illusion of scarcity and time sensitivity.

Ali: I agree. Everywhere you look, the landscape is overrun with culture creators swinging hypnotic pendulums of purchasing power, manufacturing desire among the impressionable, and ultimately pinning people between the support of one another’s interests and an adherence to a sound system of values.

Ship: All the more reason for people to maintain a strict regimen of parsley infusions and Vitamin C to ensure one’s monthly miscarriage and minimize the opportunity for white collar criminals to taint the beauty of love and family.  

Ali: Yeah, there’s definite benefit to holistically suppressing the natural byproduct of our promiscuous tendencies and maintaining what little control we can over our own influence, but we can’t go aborting every opportunity for a better world just because we’re stuck straddling the line between realism and cynicism.

Ship: Agreed. In fact, I’ve forever harbored an interest in sewing a small army’s worth of seed among a handful of worthy wombs, but it’s important to remember that even the eggs we lay are Fabergé in the sense that they’re valueless to our society when their purpose is superficial, illegitimate or unfulfilled.

Ali: Well, it would be an optimistic stretch to believe one can develop a clear and universal understanding of purpose, but I don’t doubt that the right combination of manipulated fate and intelligent design could render a more utopian existence for us all.

Ship: I’ll drink to that.

Ali: Shit yeah you will. Cheers!

Professor Left: “The original title for this section was ‘Byzantine Whore Logerie’, which makes no sense but is certainly entertaining. In a world of made-up bullshit, ‘hor’ is the base meaning ‘clocks’, and ‘logerie’ is the suffix meaning ‘to make’. Therefore, had it been titled ‘Whore Logerie’, we would have been making hookers, which is pretty much what our entertainment industry does. Fortunately, free will and oblivion allow us to side-step that snare and wallow in the beautiful world of fragile artistic existence.”

P. R. Protégé: “Is it okay to follow celebrity news?”

Professor Left: “Not if you value your intellect.”

12) TRANSPECIES DYSPORHIA APPRECIATION

I CAN DRAG YOUR (C) BODY FROM THE SHORE UP TO THE (G) HEAVENS THROUGH THE BAY. I CAN SUMMON (Am) KINGFISHERS TO FLY THROUGH SERENITY’S SKY ON (F) HALCYON DAYS. I CAN (C) ERECT A NEST ON THE CREST OF A WAVE FOR THE (G) BROODING OF YOUR EGGS. I CAN SHIFT (Am) SHAPES AND PROTRACT THE (F) TIME, AND WHEN THE SEASONS (G) CHANGE, I’LL BE THERE TO REMIND YOU.

FEND OFF (C) EVERY CAVING CEILING WITH YOUR (G) THOUSAND‐YARD STARE. READ THROUGH (Am) REPROOFS OF INDISCRETION WITH NO (F) OBLIGATION TO CARE. BE (C) TUMULTUOUS, UNLAWFUL, (G) RIOTOUS IN ASSEMBLY. THE GRAND (Am) PANJANDRUMS ARE JUST A (F) TEST OF YOUR (G) MEMORY. (C, F, G)

(C) TESTOSTERONE WASHING IN AMNIOTIC CONCOCTIONS DISSOLVING MY CORPUS CALLOSUM (Am) PAINTING THIS SLATE WITH (F) MATTER BOTH GRAY AND WHITE. (C) COMPLEMENTARY CONNECTIONS CROSS‐WIRED AT EVERY INTERSECTION (Am) SEXUALLY MISDIRECTING ME REPRODUCING (G) SOMEWHAT UNNATURALLY.

NOW I’M (C) VOLUNTARILY (G) VILIFIED, (Am) OSTRACIZED, BUT (F) I DON’T MIND. MY (C) DIGNITY IS (G) SILENT. IT’S BEEN A (Am) LONG LIFE LIVED AND A (E) LIFETIME COMING. (C) FILL ME FULL OF (G) FORMALDEHYDE. I’M (Am) CRYOGENICALLY (E) WISE, AND OUTLIVING THE (C) MAN SITTING NEXT TO (G) ME IS A WASTE OF (C) MY TIME.

SO LET’S (C) ADMIRE ALL THAT SEPARATES A (G) WOMAN FROM A MAN AS WE (F) CLAP THE CALLUSES FROM OUR (G) HANDS. LET’S FEND OFF (C) EVERY CAVING CEILING WITH OUR (G) THOUSAND‐YARD STARES, READ THROUGH (Am) REPROOFS OF INDISCRETION WITH NO (F) OBLIGATION TO CARE. WE’RE (C) TUMULTUOUS, UNLAWFUL, (G) RIOTOUS IN ASSEMBLY. THE GRAND (Am) PANJANDRUMS ARE JUST A (F) TEST OF OUR MEMORIES. (G)

Professor Left: “The gender line is blurred more and more every year at the expense of weak people’s psyches. Whether or not you can handle a transgender’s biologically-driven choices in lifestyle, you illustrate a key part of societies’ own transformation. It’s important to celebrate the differences represented by all, and what better way to get comfortable with something than to send and receive jest in its honor. We’ll all be asexual in 100 years anyway.”

P. R. Protégé: “Does that mean my dick is going to fall off?” Professor Left: “Probably not your dick, but definitely your balls.”

“Thus concludes our series on power and influence. Your diploma’s in the mail.* Now let’s go apply what we’ve learned to our everyday lives in hopes of at least rendering them less mundane. Until next time – Cheers!”

*Seriously, we’ll mail you a diploma. It might even be worth more than any of your other degrees someday. Submit your request application below.

APPLY FOR YOUR DIPLOMA

Students who have completed the Fabergé lecture series are eligible for “graduation”. Fill out the form below, and see what happens ;)

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